Well it's been a crazy week.

Crazy crazy week.  Oh my sweet lord.  I have moved back into my apartment after being home with my family over winter break and jumped right into rehearsals for my first year thesis.  

Check it.

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This has meant six days of six or seven hour rehearsals.  In and of itself, this would not have been an awful schedule.  Exhausing, yes, but not awful.  However, when you add in that three of my five actors have ridiculous work schedules then yes, it becomes awful.  I work very hard to be the kind of person and director who takes into account that the people I work with have lives outside of the project at hand, mostly because it's a pet peeve of mine when others can't do that for me.  But nine times out of ten, this leads to Claire magically transforming into a welcome mat that gets tramped all over.  Ugh.  I am still searching for this happy medium in my life between my natural instinct to be understanding and the authoritative nature that I need as a director.  And let's be honest, I don't think I've figured this out yet.

For example - I have an actor who just got a job (in this job market as a college theatre major - YAY!) and he is training this week.  No problem, I can work around that.  But they won't let him have all of our tech and performance week off.  So now either I have to give him a day off during that week, which could potentially be disasterous from a practical standpoint and will definiately throw off any groove we as a cast are gearing up during tech, or asking him essentially to quit his job.

Thoughts?  Advice?  Ways to make me feel not like a horrible person?

BUT on a positive note - this cast is stellar.  Truly.  Crazy schedules aside, I really feel like I have cast this thing beautifully.  Our script is a new work that was written by a playwrighting masters student who is at school with us, and new work always has its own unique set of challenges and rewards and I feel like I have a cast that is overall ready to embrace the piece whole-heartedly and for that I am truly blessed.

We have a late night rehearsal tonight, so I will head off, but tomorrow there will be a post about all my classes this semester!

Devotional: Week one, day two - Abraham

Today's reading was about Abraham and his connection to the three major monotheistic religions Judaism, Christianity, and Islam.  None of this information was particualrly new or interesting to me in and of itself, but I was drawn into the metaphor that Kelly Monroe Kullberg and David Kullberg, today's authors, chose to use.  Since God seperated the peoples of earth after the tower of Babel,

"he also planted the seed of a remarkable people who were asked to reject idolatry and live in love."

Live in love.  Do I live in love?  I certainly live surrounded by love.  My family is one of the most tight knit groups I have ever encountered and I have luckily grown up loved, nurtured, and encouraged. (In fact, my parents are reading this blog and my father had to have a serious sit-down with me today to make sure I was not overwhelmingly depressed about my weight issues.  Which I'm not, if anyone else is worried.) I try to surround myself with people who are positive and caring, although since theatre is a collaborative art form I don't always have the luxury of being too picky.

But that's only part of the deal.  To really live IN love, I have to live love.  Am I doing that?  This is a hard question for me to answer.  I have always prided myself on my ability to be accepting and caring; when asked during ice-breaker activities to describe myself in one words, I almost always choose "empathetic."  My natural instinct is to smother whoever is closest to me with affection, usually until they turn a deep shade of blue as many of my exs can attest to.  But that is my instinct.  I don't think there is nearly enough love in the world.  One of my favorite quotes says:

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

I take that to heart.

Here's why this question is difficult for me.  It comes from school.  I am in a class of five first-year directing students and three of us are of the same 22/23 age range.  Of these three, I am the only female and occasionally I feel like this puts me at a disadvantage.  These guys are harsh critics and merciless mockers and although we all like each other and they don't single me out usually, I feel like there is a part of them that looks down on how I run my life and therefore my rehearsals.  I came from an undergraduate environment where the whole department felt like a family, including the strange cousins you never talk to.  But even those students I had some connection to because we were all part of this experience.  I try to make every production I work on feel like a little family, I make a point of being friendly if not becoming friends with my actors.  I feel like this makes me seem soft and perhaps undertrained?  I'm not sure.  But because of this, I can feel myself changing to suit them (which, after all, is what I'm really good at) and trying to become more harsh and openly judgemental.

So do I live in love?  I suppose so.  I certainly have before and I would like to continue to do so.  So my challenge for this upcoming semester is to find a way to still have an edge as student and director without losing my sense of self.  To live in love.

Devotional: Week one, day one - String Theory

I know I know, Wednesday is a strange day to start a weekly committment, but I figured today was as good a time as any.  If I keep waiting for a Sunday or Monday I'm afraid I'll put this off indefinitely.

 

Today's title was "A Christian Theory of Everything" which admittedly sounds more like a Science day reading than a Theology one.  But these two pages had very little to do with string theory other than to use it as an example, a jumping off point for Sam Storms, today's author.  He believes that no one has taken any theory of everything far enough because they haven't acknowledged God as the theory's architect and executor. Dr. Storms puts a lot of emphasis on God's rejoicing in God's self and that is what we were both created out of and created to participate in.  He goes through a paragraph about this;

"God delights infinitely in his own eternal beauty," "God is his own fan club!"

If you ask me, this makes God sound like an over-inflated frat boy or Gaston from Disney's Beauty and the Beast; I would envision God continually preening in a mirror and expecting the rest of us oh and ah appropriately.  I don't know about you, Dr. Storms, but that is definitely not my kind of God.  But the next paragraph started with a sentence I was rather struck by:

"God doesn't simply think about himself or talk to himself. He enjoys himself."

(Yes, alright, that's technicaly two sentences)

Now perhaps to some of you this sounds like more of the same, but for me it touched on a struggle I (and I think everyone, honestly) am going through: the difference between false pride and actually enjoying yourself.  Certainly this is a major factor in my rollercoaster relationship with weight loss.  When I don't pay attention to how I take care of myself I can become unhealthy, lethargic, short-tempered but I have a relatively positive self image.  I like myself, and the occasional aforementioned hiccups, I feel good.  Guilty, but good.  When I'm eating healthy and working out, it means I am admitting to myself that there are flaws, that I'm not perfect and that is what spawns the daily crying in the shower, the lack of self confidence, and most disturbingly the self hatred.

I know God is perfect, so there are a lot less of these issues to deal with there, but I am inspired by the fact that my God can enjoy God.  Why?  Because I am created in God's image.  That means I too can learn not only to enjoy and rejoice in God but to enjoy and rejoice in myself.

God loves me, and God doesn't make mistakes.

Devotional: Faith and Culture

For Christmas, my parents gave me this book:

 

which they had read and enjoyed.  The book is structured so that each day has a 2-3 page reading followed by discussion questions on different cultural topics.  Since I started on a Wednesday, my readings will go like this:

Wednesday - Bible and Theology

Thursday- History

Friday - Philosophy

Saturday - Science

Sunday - Literature

Monday - Arts

Tuesday - Contemporary Culture

 

There are fifteen weeks of readings so this should last me until early/mid April.

A little bit about me...

Hello!  My names is Claire and this is my blog.  The goal here is mostly for myself - to help keep myself honest and updated about my state of being physically, mentally, and spiritually.  So, to get anyone who happens to read this up to speed, here's a quick mini-biography of me.

-I am 22 (I'll turn 23 in March)

-I am a graduate student studying directing for the stage

-I am a good student and school-related things, especially grades, are extremely important to me

-I am about 215 pounds, the heaviest I have ever been in my life

-I am trying to get healthy and lose weight but like a lot of people I have trouble committing to a diet/workout plan

-I am a member of a Disciples of Christ church

-I sing in both the chancel and women's choirs as well as play in the handbell choir

-I am an active member of the young adult group, which is currently on break while we reevaluate what we want the group to be

-I have a long distance boyfriend who is completely wonderful, even when he's not

-I am an avid reader

-I am addicted to NPR

-I am a huge nerd - Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, etc.

 

Well, I think that's it.  I'm sure I'll let you know more as things come up.  Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey!